Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Go to Northpark Mall right now and get a Double Doozie. While it will make you feel like death on the inside, they’re amazingly delicious.


Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Take a moment to realize just how lucky you are. Look at your friends and family and thank them for being in your life.


Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec.21

Good news! Spring is almost here! Enjoy the nice weather by already beginning to wear flip flops. Sure, snow’s still on the ground. But you’ll be ahead of the game!


Capricorn: Dec. 22- Jan. 19

Download Flying Cyrus on your phone right now. Just do it.


Aquarius: Jan. 20- Feb. 18

There’s treasure buried in your belly button. Start digging, soldier. You need to clean that ASAP.


Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re going to get. Okay, that one was really lame. I’ll admit that.


Aries: March 21- April 19

You kind of smell. I mean no offense, it’s not that bad. But I would shower at your earlier convenience because…


Taurus: April 20-May 20

Have a good gateway sob this weekend. Just think of something really sad and go for it. Your tears are beautiful.


Gemini: May 21-June 21

Check out #Selfie by the Chainsmokers. It’s literally the best representation of modern culture ever.


Cancer: June 22-July 22

Delete your Twitter and Facebook. No social media for a week. Are you up to the challenege?


Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

I’m behind you. Haha. Made you look.


Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Nothing. I’ve got nothing. Seriously, fresh out of ideas. I don’t know. Maybe go outside or something? Try a new restaurant? Seriously, why do I ALWAYS have to be the one to give you advice? You’re a human being. Make your own decisions. Oh, so now this is my fault? That’s rich. Real, real rich. PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME!

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